Help Me Do Something Wonderful For My Mama

B.A.B.E-My Mama (Help Me Do Something Great for A Beverly Eubanks)

I'm about 341 miles away from the woman that's given her all to her children.  She's my everything and it's almost impossible to put into words how much I love and adore her. At 32, what she thinks, what she feels, what she says, still weighs heavily in my mind. She’s taught me such a great deal. One important thing is that we are sturdy beings. But in many ways, we are fragile. We can accept change & loss, but this comes at our own pace & in our own way. My mama helped me to realize this. She is the one person that sees me for who I am and still loves me, unconditionally. I see her face every night before I fall asleep and sometimes, and if I'm quiet enough, I hear her singing.

Throughout high school, we had a rocky relationship. There was often a lot of screaming, door slamming and silence. But over the years, we both grew as people and now things are different. She's helped me become the woman that I am today and I'm so grateful to have her in my life. If I could, I’d give her the entire world. If I could, I'd make it that she'd never feel hurt, disappointment or pain.

I owe her so much and just have to thank her… for sticking it out through the mess; thank you for laughing at and with me; thank you for holding my hand and having my back; thank you for always believing in me; thank you for listening through the tears; thank you for loving me as I am; thank you for always being honest; thank you for being a sister, brother, or friend. You've each touched my life in ways that have helped to shape my character, strengthen my "moral fortitude" and enhance my "awesome-ness".

It wasn’t until recently that I thought about my mama simply as the woman she is, stripping away any title the world’s given her. Sure she’s been a daughter, an aunt, a sister, a mother, a wife, a teacher but there’s more to her than that. I know that she’s shoulder her share of pain, discomfort, and loss. I wouldn’t begin to understand what she’s carried for all these years. Up until this very day, there are still mysteries to her that I’ll never know.  Mama sacrificed so much and in that respect, I wanted to do something for her.  Almost 40 years ago, she pawned her wedding rings to help the family out of a bind.  Although the intention was to get them back when she and dad could afford it but by the time they’d gotten in a position to do so, the rings had been sold. I’ve been trying to replace that set for 5 years but with my own finances in shambles, I’ve not be able to. This past Monday I was reading an article about a woman that was taking care of her school debt by the use of crowdfunding. I had no idea what it was, did a simple Google search and boom! I got an idea: maybe other people could help me raise enough funds to replace my mama’s wedding set.  Please help either with a donation or simply by sharing this with your friends and family.  My mama has no idea that I’m doing this for her. I’m hoping, depending on how funding goes, to give it to her for Mother’s Day or for her birthday which is in October.  I’d like to engrave it so that it reads “To Beverly, From James, Eternally”. 

36 Things I've Come To Know

1. I've come to realize that my chest is quite average but my hips and posterior are something else, or at least that’s what the mo thug said to me at me when I was at Walmart…sad.

2. I've come to realize that my job is just a job and I should stop trying to find some grand importance in it; unless I was giving insurance away, I’m not appreciated.

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving, I need to watch my speed b/c I got a ticket on Labor Day; that no one dances better in the driver seat than me (e.g. You Can’t Touch This); XM Satellite Radio ROCKS!

4. I've come to realize that I need to take more time out to write down my thoughts instead of running my mouth all the time. Some people just aren’t ready for Carmenisms.

5. I've come to realize that I have lost…well, it’s difficult to say but let’s just say I’ve been holding back and that’s never happened before…lost the drive man…just lost it…

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when people underestimate the importance of trust and honesty in any relationship, when people are rude, and customers spell their last names to me when I clearly asked for a policy number (I know how to read).

7. I've come to realize that if I were to get intoxicated…man, there’s just no telling what would happen since I haven’t done that in ages.

8. I've come to realize that money is a necessity to take care of bills we’ve accumulated and eases some financial burdens and worries but in the end, you still can’t take it with you.

9. I've come to realize that certain people aren’t on your level and can’t be brought to it unless they come on their own; that some people, sadly, “will tear you down just to see you fall. They’ll do it even if your loss is their own.”

10. I've come to realize that I'll always be me the person that God created me to be and that I am enough.

11. I've come to realize that my sibling is wonderfully resilient woman! She is the ultimate prize for whomever that lucky and privileged man will be that wins her. Ms. Cutebanks is her name, Lol.

12. I've come to realize that my mama loves me in the way that no one else ever will; she’s supportive in her own way, does things that way she wants and isn’t changing for nobody, even me. Oh and if she was challenged to a “booty green” dance off, the other person would definitely lose (hee hee hee).

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone is great for everything else—texting, checking email, taking/sending photos, watching movies, organization—but not talkin...

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning I was praisingHim and taking my time...

15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep I was confused as ever about why people lie. Have we not learned anything?

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about how good God really is, about how much FUN this weekend will be, about how I wish you were here and not so far away, and about how to talk MYC into doing the MC Hammer Flashdance!

17. I've come to realize that my dad wasn’t perfect but he was my dad, a brother, an uncle, a husband and I miss him more now than I ever have before. I hope he’s proud.

18. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook I look forward to being connected to folks that I couldn’t possibly call or see on a regular basis.

19. I've come to realize that today is a wonderful day to remember to “Stay above the process. This has nothing to do with you. So don’t internalize it.” So, I need to get over myself and stop trippin’ w/God. He’s got this and constantly reminds us (especially ME) this every day. “

20. I've come to realize that tonight I’m gonna continue to get a head start on my next grad course, just in case I come down with a minor case of procrastination in the future.

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow is...not to sound too cliché, but tomorrow isn’t promised to us so we better make the best of today.

22. I've come to realize that I really want to do something that elevates women of color, something that will help them be successful and lifted.

23. I've come to realize that the person who is most likely to respond to this is...Well, since I’m posting this in sections, I could be anyone. However, Tiff was the first to comment to the original, wink, wink.

24. I've come to realize that life is amazingly complicated but so rewarding and wonderful and exciting and gut-wrenching ALL AT THE SAME TIME!

25. I've come to realize that this weekend will be fun even if I miss the Grape Stomp and have to work.

26. I've come to realize that the music I listen to when I am upset always mellows me and opens my mind and heart. I have testimonies in the front seat of my Cobalt some times.

27. I've come to realize that my friends are AWESOMELY made and great asset to my life…they know me and still like me anyway.

28. I've come to realize that this year has been one of rebirth and renewing. Relationships were re-evaluated. Goals set and put into motion. Boundaries were set and my own self-worth was renewed. Love has been rediscovered in some of the unlikeliest places (and people). The best is yet to come…

29. I've come to realize that my ex...Is living in the mess his own worthlessness created.

30. I've come to realize that maybe I should get over myself, especially at work. The stupidity I encounter isn’t changing but my reaction to it can.

31. I've come to realize that I have to allow the messages I give to build those that receive them up.

32. I've come to realize that I don't understand stupid stuff—people or situations—no matter how hard I try to.

33. I've come to realize my past is just that. Progress is about moving forward, not lagging behind.

34. I've come to realize that I'm totally terrified of failure.

35. I've come to realize that my life is WONDERFULLY BLESSED!

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Daily Quotes for Fri 11 Jun 2014

“Though the practice of chivalry fell even more sadly short of its theoretic standard than practice generally falls below theory, it remains one of the most precious monuments of the moral history of our race, as a remarkable instance of a concerted and organized attempt by a most disorganized and distracted society, to raise up and carry into practice a moral ideal greatly in advance of its social condition and institutions; so much so as to have been completely frustrated in the main object, yet never entirely inefficacious, and which has left a most sensible, and for the most part a highly valuable impress on the ideas and feelings of all subsequent times.”

— John Stuart Mill (1806-1873) English Philosopher, Political Economist

Revisiting the Past: November 13, 2005 5:23 PM

With graduation only a month away, I woke up last night clutching my stuffed dog Maxxwell tightly as I thought about my uncertain future after what has been my five year safety net (college) comes to an end. I'm a liberal arts major who's perfected critiquing other people's literary pieces of BS only to find that at the end of it all, I'm a jack-of-all trades who hasn't master one. Business majors learn to do business in our capitalistic world; Engineering majors learn to engineer...well, stuff; Education majors learn to teach others; but us liberal arts folks, well, we honestly learn to BS our way (I think) through whatever professors, employers and so call acquaintances place in front of us. We are "trained" to do this with impressive skills in manipulating the written language, twisting verbs like Am, Is, Was, Were, Be, Being, Been to meet our needs (or so we've come to believe). My advisor, a pure, genius in his own right, says that I can do just about anything with my degree. But now I'm worrying if this "anything" possibility will fulfill me, a person who still sleeps with a 9 year-old-stuffed animal.

*Revisiting the Past is my way to salvage my original blog "Finding My Way Back to Happiness". Created in 2005, that blog chronicled my thoughts and fears that came to fruition with the onset of my getting ready to graduate from the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga. Each week, I'll reach back into time and share the transformation of me through my words, my reactions to life happening from 2005-2012.

I'm Not in the Holiday Mood This Year

Maybe it's because I'm not with my family. Maybe it's because I'm broke and can't afford the smallest gifts for those I love. Maybe it's because bills are behind and still coming due. I just know that I'm ready for the Christmas season to come and go quite quickly. A recent trip to Walmart brought this feeling on rather suddenly. I was only there to pick up some eats, but something about the crowd, the holiday music playing overhead and the abundance of the gift set isle just made me so anxious, so overwhelmed, I fought back tears, and hastily looked for the nearest exit. I'm not one to hide away from my feelings. I got home and immediately started the task of trying to figure out what's really going on with me. Coming up with loads of question marks and gearing up for a good talk w/God and some tears, I decided to switch gears and prepare myself for the new year ahead. I'm determined that 2014 will be different. That I'll be different no matter who or what. I've resolved that I can't feel this way again when the holiday season rears its head next year. I just can't.